For the past few days I’ve been obsessed with the feeling of scolding hot water over my back. I need the shower head to become emotional as she bursts over my shoulders.
It’s when steam fucks the mirrors against the tiled walls like a breath exhaled by an unknown lover, that I can angrily scratch those sentences that have been clogging up my arteries across my reflection, like regretful handprints on foggy car windows on days when the bed wasn’t warm enough.
I can turn her off…stop her from screaming, from purging. I can be her saviour and shut off the tubes that bring forth that boiling liquid that tears away at her lungs when she decides to break down with me. But when I turn the knob and watch the room clear, the words against my mirror slowly disappear.
I wish she’d come to life and cry on my shoulders again, so that I’m not the only one.
I’ve been frantic the past four days, and every morning she calls for me, drip by drip. A soft patter that turns to sobs. She calls for me to remind me…but you’d have to cry glitter for sadness to be beautiful.
In the corner of my jewellry box huddle beads that tore away from a neckline, to find a hand that can confine gloss like a wet kiss upon bare shoulders.
I found her… inching past the outlines towards the center…knowing that there is more substance at the core. It’s where the ageless plastic dancer prances in circles…her legs pointed towards the ceiling. Sometimes instead of wearing those vintage earrings, I drape them across her arms and watch them spin into dots of deep yellow, like a light flickering over a still street at a dangerous time of night.
Most times I feel just like her…surrounded by jewels but locked up and stranded with the same tune playing day after day…..
I tore her legs off yesterday, so she’d stop twirling…
The more I watched her, the more I choked on my own air…
I like to pretend that I’m invincible, but it’s all a front…
It’s days such as these that leave me wanting to pull the covers up tight while ignoring my alarm. Days when I am questioning my decisions…my goals…my purpose…my strength…
Sometimes I just don’t know what the fuck I want, yet other days I am crystal clear. I have been lazy this week. My workouts are half assed, if at all, and my eating leaves MUCH to be desired…
I’m exhausted, and I can’t shake these thoughts long enough to welcome a temporary coma.
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to keep it up…I told you not to get your hopes up” he says with a snide tone…
Is this it? Are we done?
Nah, we’re not done…
I’m just sitting down to collect my thoughts. I know for a fact that wallowing will not bring me any closer to my goals. I will pout for a moment and then get right back to it, because I will not allow negativity to break me down. I’m better than that. When someone tells me that I can’t do something, it becomes almost an obsession to prove them wrong…perhaps it’s the bull in me…
So, tell me that I can’t do it…I’ll SHOW you that I can…
The gym continues to be my place of solitude. I can breathe there. No one wants anything from me there. It’s a place I can go to get away from the everyday confusion and just focus on myself. There are no kids pulling me in a thousand different directions…there are no phones that scream to be answered every 10 minutes, it’s just me….
…it’s just me…
Why would I want to take that luxury away from myself?….yeah, I don’t know either. But if yesterday hadn’t been a pre paid training session, I probably wouldn’t have shown up….
Oh fuck…it’s leg day…
*rolls eyes*
…here we go…
.“How many sessions do we have again?”
“12 sweets”
“Really? That’s it?…What are we at?….exhale“
“Hahaha…this is our 7th anniversary…ya, that’s right…I didn’t buy you anything”
“SELFISH!! We don’t have many left…don’t hold your breath like that”
“Awwwww, you gonna miss me?” *smirk*
“Actually…you know what I will miss?
It is surprisingly rare to have a client that has your kind of determination. I know that even if we don’t have anymore sessions together that you will get to where you are going and you are pretty confident about it. A lot of the people I work with don’t even come in on their own!!”
“You’re sneaky…have you been checking up on me?”
“HAHAHA, like I wouldn’t!!! Even without looking at your time stamps I can tell that you have been working because you have consistently improved each week. I love working with you…you are willing to do whatever it takes, and it seems like a game for you. I will miss THAT!!”
“It’s not like I’ll never see you again!!. We can sneak glances at each other from across the gym. HAHAHAHA”
“Yeah, yeah smart ass…I wanna see at LEAST 12 more reps”
“of course you do….”
That was JUST what I needed to hear. A simple acknowledgement of my efforts made me regain my focus. It made me push it yesterday…it gave me new energy. Someone that I hardly know sees strength in me and believesin me. It’s a powerful thing to have someone believe in you.
“Keep it up J…prove her right about you…you know you got it”
I know I will be on my own soon, and that honestly scares the shit out of me. She has pushed my limits over the past few weeks and I am left wondering how I will keep the silent intensity that is her inside of me.
I am grateful to have found Diana
When our time is over I will have nothing to offer her in return for the guidance she has offered me…or will I?
I believe that reaching my goals…the goals that I have shared with her…will be her reward as well.
She has built me a base and soon it will be my time to construct. I want to show her a masterpiece.
When I got home last night, I pulled out my carefully written goals that appear in the most beautiful colors and read them over and over again…
.
“For fuck sakes Jessica…stop feeling sorry for yourself…if you don’t like how things are going, CHANGE IT!!Give your head a shake”
I took a picture of myself a few weeks ago and altered it in photoshop, to show what I would look like carrying less weight. This has been a great source of motivation for me. When I am in a mindset where I think that I don’t want to do this anymore, I look at it. I see myself…I can see that my efforts will be worth it. This is important for me.
I have also made a habit of daily goal sheets. After the kids go to bed I write out everything that I want to acheive for the next day. I sticker them off as they are completed and I now have a small workbook full of goals that I have reached. I do this because I need something to look back on….a record that shows I can, in fact, do what I put my mind to. They aren’t necessarily life altering goals but these small ones are pumping me up for the big ones. This is also very important to me.
By doing this I am making it almost impossible for myself to fail.
So let’s pick it up shall we? Weigh in is just a few days away…but I HAVE those days to improve my week. I am refusing to settle, because I don’t have to .
I have said, time and time again, that I have a disdain for people who constantly complain about their lives and do nothing about it. I don’t want to be one of “those people”.
Maybe that is a bit harsh, because I used to shake my fists and whine about how it wasn’t fair that I didn’t have what I wanted. I thought, for a long time, that the world owed me something better. That’s nothing more than crap slithering out of my mouth.
We should be more humbled as a people. We should respect what the Universe, or God, or whatever you believe, gives us and learn to adapt and deal with those things we do have.
As the saying goes, there is always someone who has it worse. And it’s true. I’d hate to be the one on the very bottom, who really is the one to have it so bad no one else has it worse. Money, health and love are major things people complain about. These things have to be worked at. There are no silver platters being handed out here. Not only that but to get anything, you have to give.
There really is nothing you can’t do, if you try. It’s all about mindset.
When you go into a situation thinking you’re going to lose, usually you do. Believe that you DESERVE to win, and you probably will.
See, here’s the thing. Sometimes you get hamburger before you get steak, or cubic zirconia before you get diamonds. If you can’t have what you want, want what you have. Learn to appreciate the hand you are dealt, and if you really want something, make an honest and humble attempt to get it.
Stop whining and take action.
Take a look around tomorrow, do some “people watching”. If you see someone making an honest effort with what they are doing, acknowledge them…acknowledge their efforts. It can make all the difference to them. This can be something as simple as filing properly at work….
Take a bit of time and appreciate what you do have and remember, you could be the one on the bottom of the barrel, who has nothing.
~J
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