With an article title like that, I bet you are wondering what lovey-dovey thing is going on now! Well…picture a daisy field and we are running towards each other and when we meet – instead of kissing I am giving him a good swift kick to the ass!
He knew the rules when he signed up for this relationship and he broke them!
To give you a better understanding, maybe I should start from the beginning…
My boyfriend, Andrew, and I met through internet dating. I specifically said I did not want to date a smoker.
I tried to date smokers a few times in the past but the taste of a dirty ashtray when I kissed them really turned me off. When you are kissing someone passionately, no matter how great their hygiene is, you sometimes suddenly get a taste of cigarette that has come out of the pores in their gums or somewhere.
Not knowing when a kiss was going to go sour, I found I was avoiding the whole kissing scenario with guys that smoked. Needless to say, it played a big role in why I ended the relationships.
So about 8 months into my current relationship, I thought I would smell and taste cigarette on Andrew. But how could this be? He told me he doesn’t smoke? It was something he stopped doing many years ago.
I asked him about it and he was shocked I even noticed it as he had smoked a few cigarettes on Thursday and it was Saturday. He confessed he smokes one pack a summer and that is it. I was wary but I believed him as this was the first time in 8 months I had even noticed smoke on him.
Well, he has not stopped and the frustration roller coaster has continued over the last 6 months.
The pattern is this: He will stop smoking for a few weeks (my hopes go up) and then he falls off the wagon (my hopes get crushed).
I keep thinking, “This is not what I signed up for! He knew how I felt about smoking from the very beginning! He’s broken the rules!”
Last night, my hopes were crushed again. He had not smoked for a month and then he had a cigarette a few days ago.
I ranted and raved and then threatened to leave him. That’s what I do – my M.O. if you will. I try to fix the problem and after a certain amount of time when I feel like nothing is changing, I leave.
As soon as the words about leaving him were out of my mouth, I knew that was not what I wanted so I took a deep breath and calmed myself.
To make a long story short, we talked our way through the problem. He said he smokes when he is stressed. I asked what was stressing him as I wanted to understand what he was going through. We came up with a plan for him to deal with stress and to quit smoking as well.
Hopefully it will work. If not, we will just have to work on another plan together.
I apologized for threatening to leave. I told him I had no intentions of leaving and that it was incredibly unfair of me to throw that at him. That is my issue and something for me to work on.
I curled up on my couch after the phone call ended and realized that this is the stuff relationships are made of. Sometimes the rules get broken and feelings are hurt. Old habits kick in as raw emotion blinds us. I think it is how we treat each other when things aren’t going our way that can really make or break a connection between 2 people. I know I didn’t come out of this issue smelling like a rose but I am going to own my part of it and focus on making improvements. Keep your fingers crossed for me!