Former Fat Guy Blog » Relationships

Low Pressure Sex Released; Dismiss Perfection

Rob — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:32:16 +0000

[ Note: This article was written by fitness and nutrition author Jon Benson. I have his permission to share it with you. ]

Have you ever started out to do one thing but ended up doing something different?

Night and day different?

Remember how Post-It Notes were invented?

Some guy was trying to come up with a “permanent” glue.

Obviously he failed… and he considered it a failure… but 3M had another idea.

The guy was all of a sudden Joe Brilliant.

Well, I’m feeling a bit like Joe today. But this is much more interesting to you than Post-It Notes…

It’s about sex… sorta. Not dirty, I’m talking about couple’s stuff here.

My new book just came out today about it.

But it didn’t start off that way at all. In fact … get this… I was co-writing a book with medical researcher Frank Mangano on lowering blood pressure without meds… really.

So how did this big U-turn occur?

Okay, okay…. funny, true story:

I read this article from a medical journal about how “lowering blood pressure would help sexual-performance-problems.”

Ding. The lightbulb went off in my head.

You see, lowering blood pressure is probably the most healthy thing you can do for yourself.

But face it — it’s really, really BORING.

I mean, who really cares about their blood pressure unless their doctor says, “Look, lower your blood pressure or you’ll die in six months.”

Then you care.

Are you with me?

I’m right and we all know it.

Heck, I was the same way.

I ignored my blood pressure for years until it hit stroke-level back in my 30s.

Then I could no longer ignore it.

I found every natural alternative possible… which led me to Frank’s books… and they are the BEST.

So Frank comes to me and asks me to contribute to his very popular on-the-shelf book “The Blood Pressure Miracle” –

… and I said,

“Hey, guess what I just read?”

Since he’s the researcher, I said, “Go see if there’s any truth to this.”

The results BLEW MY MIND.

Not only is there truth to it — that, yes… lowering blood pressure not only extends your life but also extends your sexlife as well — but WOW… it’s a major player in everything from male-ED to females feeling “out of the mood.”

It’s crazy, but it’s true.

It makes sense once you read this:

Low Pressure Sex Book Click here for “Low Pressure Sex”

Hang with me: It gets better…

So Frank digs up article after article on the subject of high blood pressure and LOW sexual-energy and performance… and we have a much more compelling reason to want to lower our blood pressure, now don’t we?

But we wanted more.

I said, “Look Frank, I get a lot of emails about sex-after-30… people who want to feel more kick, more alive in that area of their lives… and above all, closer to their mates.”

So… we decided to add another book on TOP of our book…

… a book on improving sexual-pleasure for couples only. “RevolutionarySex” is the name of it. My friend Alex Allman wrote it…and just like that we had two books instead of one.

But that’s not all… ( told you… this story is interesting… ; )

THEN my friend Jeff Anderson comes out with his “homemade V” — and guys, we know what “V” stands for.

Listen: V (little blue things) is really dangerous stuff. It really is. It RAISES blood pressure for one thing. For another it can cause addiction and memory loss.

But Jeff’s version is all-natural, cheap (we’re talking pennies instead of dollars per “pill” to make) and above all… SAFE.

So all of a sudden… THREE books (plus an audio)… so…

It became a System, not a book.

And the topic went from “lowering blood pressure” to …

… How you can completely solve your sexual-performance-problems and increase your pleasure all by lowering blood pressure naturally without meds.”

What a concept…

…and it WORKS.

Low Pressure Sex Book Click here for “Low Pressure Sex”

Here are the advantages…

1. If you take blood pressure meds… and a lot of you do… your “kick in the stick” suffers. A lot. Some men suffer all the way, which lead them to taking the V stuff…

… and that stuff ‘raises’ blood pressure.

Bad, bad combo. Our System gets you off of that dangerous and expensive cycle of drugs and on to a natural, easy approach that also adds pleasure to your relationship.

2. Cheaper… by far… than meds.

3. Something you can read and do as a couple or as a single person.

4. You get healthy and you get your vigor back at the same time. Ladies too.

5. It’s guaranteed-to-work… 60 days on us.

I’m very proud of this System. We put a lot of time, research and effort into it.

If you want a life freee from high BP and sexual-performance-issues and better health, then go here:

Low Pressure Sex Book Click here for “Low Pressure Sex”

Fit Bits: Forget Perfection

You will never be perfect. At anything.

Period.

Forget it. In fact, the faster you forget it the faster you’ll make progress in the gym and with your weightloss-goals.

Perfection with a dietplan is silly. No one will eat perfectly for life. No one will make every workout.

But thousands upon thousands of people try to be “perfect” every single day. That’s why they fail on their dietplans and exercise schedules.

They are too demanding.

In the first day’s lesson in my Personal Fat Loss Certification Course I teach you (free) how to avoid perfection in both dietary and exercise protocols so you can progress enjoyably for life.

Trust me: I’m far from perfect. Tonight I had Mexican food. Bad Mexican food, but still… ; )

And I’m still in good shape. I know how “not” to be perfect — and how to eat ‘tomorrow’ to ensure that what I had ‘tonight’ will not affect my body or my health at all.

I look forward to teaching you the same secrets.

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Eating At The Table – Food For Thought

Christina — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:39:35 +0000

It wasn’t until today that I decided that I need to revitalize a old tradition from my childhood and reminiscent of the Thanksgiving or recent Christmas Dinners – Eating at the table.

Eight weeks ago, we purchased a gorgeous dark wood pub style table and chairs for our kitchen.

We live in a smallish condo. perfectly comfortable for two with no designated dining area. I chose the table because of the dark wood and it gave the area special warmth. A place for us to dine together. Until then, we had a tiny table not suitable for two.

40% of North Americans eat with their family at home each night each week

Until then and even after we had the table, we shuffled our plates on our laps while we unconsciously, almost zombie like, sat to watch a sit com, the news or whatever reality tv show was on. After a busy day at work and especially throughout the Christmas season, it was our time to relax and our time to rest.

After recently talking to a couple at a party, I learned that they too would quite often watch tv with tv trays. Not only the two of them but their children as well.

Now, I suspect that we aren’t the only ones doing this.

A recent survey suggests that 40% of North Americans eat with their family at home each night each week. So, what about the other 60% of the time? Dining in restaurants, eating on the run, eating in front of the computer, or even in the car.

Eating in front of the tv or computer can lead to mindless eating and overeating caused by being distracted and prevent you from listening to your body’s hunger signals and satisfied signals.

Case in point, Popcorn in movie theaters. Do you need that much popcorn to make you full? While watching a film, we not only eat kernel by kernel but stuff handfuls of popcorn into our mouths and wash it down with huge containers of soda pop.

My Challenge To You

Instead of going out for dinner, why not have dinner at home tonight? Turn off the computer and the tv and take the time to enjoy the flavors, texture an taste your food by sitting down at the table. Enjoy the company of your family, partner or friend.

You’ll be healthier for it and reap the benefits of being connected, communicating and even try new foods or share favorite foods with those special people in your life.

Don’t limit yourself to holidays or special occasions, make everyday special.

Bon Appetit!

Christina

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Swingers

Michele — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 21:10:14 +0000

Swinging. I am sure everyone has heard this term before. If not, swinging is defined as a form of recreational, social, and sexual intercourse between consenting adults. Swingers commonly consist of male/female couples meeting with other male/female couples for sex and ongoing intimacy. My knowledge on what happens at these parties was very limited until I watched this documentary about swinging. I selected the play button with wide eyes and many questions…What kind of people go to these parties? How do they work? Does kissing, caressing and having sex with another person outside of a couple’s relationship not affect their relationship? Well, I believe I found my answers…

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

The Five W’s of Swinging

Who – The majority of swingers are middle to upper class married couples.

The people attending the party on the documentary seemed like everyday people. I guess in my little immature mind, I was thinking it would be like a party at the Play Boy mansion. And for those of you who also thought that, let me burst your bubble right now!

It always amazes me when people participate in a risque documentary. Their faces are shown, their naked bodies are shown…no bashfulness once so ever – which for some is ok at a party but this is on video for everyone to see forever! Even their MAMA’s could watch this!

What – The swinger lifestyle is to simply give and receive pleasure. There are three types of swinger lifestyles. Soft (a couple has sex among others but no intercourse with others), Open (an orgy), and Closed (partners swap but have sex is separate rooms).

When – Swinging was believed to have started in the 1950’s.

This documentary focuses on a couple (Gary and Margaret) that throw a party twice a month. All couples must pay a fee upon entering the party ($30 per couple). Drinks and snacks seemed to be provided.

Where – Gary and Margaret use their house for swinging parties. The house had certain rooms for ‘entertaining’. The backyard holds a huge pool (where the water was kept very warm) and a big pool house. The pool house has a handful of private rooms (curtains for doors) and one large orgy room.

Why – Some people seem to get bored with their marriages/relationships after many years of being together and want to spice their sex lives up.

How - How do you approach someone? The answer is basically you flirt with someone you are interested in…if they flirt back then there is a good chance they want to be with you too!

Everyone has the right to say no and to change their mind. Respect is key. As well, you are expected to bring your own condoms.

Relationship Dynamic

Through out the documentary, I observed the swinging couple (Gary and Margaret). Gary seemed to fill the dominate roll. He made a lot of the decisions and Margaret just agreed. An example is at a garage sale, she suggested they buy quite a few items. He says no to all of her requests (or so is shown on the documentary). They never show Gary asking Margaret if they should buy things. They did walk away with almost too much to carry so it seemed he was the decision maker.

Another scene is where the documentary interviewer (Louis) is asking Gary if he just flirted with a woman in a lingerie store. Gary said that he didn’t, but that he thought she might want to come to the swingers parties. Then Louis is with Margaret and he wants to ask the grocery cashier to the party. Margaret said no because you have to come as a couple. This left me confused as it seemed Gary didn’t follow the same rules…

To make a long story short, Louis finds a girl (Lisa) to take to the swingers party (she answers an ad where Louis requests a girl to attend a swingers party with him).

Gary was heavily flirting with Lisa and is totally in to her. He is chatting it up, being affectionate (which I never saw him be with his wife), flirting, having a good time and Margaret is sitting at the door by herself.

Louis questions Margaret as to why she is not in the back yard having fun. Margaret explains that the front door needs watching. Margaret looks after the front door (house) and Gary looks after the back yard.

When Louis and Lisa leave, Gary is still flirting with Lisa – right in front of Margaret. Gary and Lisa did not have sex (at least I don’t think they did) but the interest seemed mutual.

The following day Louis asks Margaret what she thought of Lisa. Margaret makes some polite comments but you can see her expression changes. Then she excuses herself to the other room.

I don’t think you have to be a genius to see how swinging is affecting their relationship. It didn’t seem to make them closer as a couple or improve their relationship – at least from my perspective.

I wish Louis had found out how often Gary and Margaret had sex with each other? I have a number in mind but I will let you decide for yourself.

To Swing or Not To Swing

After watching this documentary, I definitely won’t be attending a swingers party – not that I was planning on going to one anyway. It is just not for me. I like being emotionally attached to sex. I do not want to be so emotionally detached from my partner that seeing him be sexual with another woman doesn’t bother me. I think it should bother me. I don’t know, maybe I have a naive perspective on the whole thing. The idea of it might be appealing for some but I would bet that the reality of it would ruin many a relationship.

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Merry Stressmas – I Mean Christmas

Michele — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 21:12:35 +0000

Isn’t the Christmas season supposed to be a time of joy and happiness? I remember when I could barely wait for Christmas to come…all of the presents and good food…time to play with my cousins and run around the house stuffing my face with chocolate! Good times! But where did those good times go? Exactly when did Christmas become so stressful and crazy?

When did it become a retailers dream? When did it become handing over a list of “I must have” items and expectations? When did it come all about me?

As I grew up, I think I embraced my fellow Christmas goers in the commercial side of it all. What happened to focusing on what Christmas represents to you on a religious side (whatever religion or spiritual beliefs you follow)?

What happened to focusing on quality time with friends and family instead of hoping they bought you something great?

Last Christmas, I was told by a friend about his nieces and nephews that barely finished ripping the paper off of one gift before they started on the next from the pile of gifts that are theirs and theirs only.

What have we become? Does love equate to how many presents you receive? Has Christmas become the golden calf? What are we teaching our children?

I am not suggesting that you change all family traditions but maybe you can improve upon them. I ask this holiday season that you take a look at what you believe and don’t lose focus of it. I do wish everyone the opportunity to be surrounded by their loved ones and that 2008 be the best year for you yet! Stay inspired!

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Give From The Heart

Michele — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:08:53 +0000

I am sure you have heard the saying “Give and you shall receive”. This statement holds a lot of truth. I find the more I give, the better I feel about myself…and it makes me feel grateful that I am in a position to help. I know around Christmas time, charity and giving seem to be a focus but why does charity have to be an annual thing?

I remember a time when I was living in Ottawa, Ontario, and noticed a homeless man asking for money. It was a cold February and he had his small dog huddled up on his lap so they could keep each other warm.

I remember thinking, “Even if he does collect some money today…in his un-kept state, is he shunned from grocery stores? Or fast food or coffee places?”

As I walked across the street and entered the mega-mall, I decided to do a good deed. I bought him some oranges (vitamin C), a sandwich and a hot coffee. On my way out, I noticed a pet store so I bought a small bag of dog food.

When I approached this man and his dog, I introduced myself and gave him the items I had brought for him. I asked his name and his dog’s name. He seemed hesitant to answer – like there must be some string attached.

Before he could answer, a woman walked by…stopped…let out a big huff and exclaimed, “FINE…here!”, threw some money in his bowl and then walked away.

I realized what a difference in emotion the same deed brought two different people. I was feeling good about helping and the other woman was…well…feeling the opposite.

Who was I to tell the woman not to give if it makes her feel crappy as I am sure the homeless man needed the money?

The homeless man was very thankful towards me and I walked away feeling like maybe I had made his life a little better – even if momentarily.

So my suggestion is to find a charity that means something to you. If that means giving money, or donating time or participating in an event…DO IT! But do it from a place you can feel good from. Is that good place within you really that hard to find? I know for me, I feel the best when I am trying to make the world a better place. So give it a try…I bet it will change you for the better.

Disclaimer and Mom if you are reading this: I am not endorsing walking up to strangers and putting yourself in unsafe situations. I kept some distance between the homeless man and myself and it was day light on a busy street.

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It Must Be A Girl Thing

Michele — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 21:11:08 +0000

I had read many times that men and women are different – physically and mentally. Sometimes my analytical side kicks in and I wonder how mentally different can we really be? We are all human! We all have problems to solve…that maybe we should mentally be categorized by personality types and not gender.

Well, I was leaning towards that conclusion until something happened last week…

Background

Andrew, my boyfriend, and I wanted to visit with his Mom and her boyfriend (Bob the real estate agent) to discuss the best method of selling Andrew’s house. Saturday night, we were planning on driving up to the city where his Mom and Bob live.

Little more info: All three of us (Andrew, his Mom and I) live in different cities. Andrew lives the farthest away and it was his weekend to come to my house.

Andrew called me the Thursday before and said he had mentioned to his Mom that maybe it would be a better idea for them to come to MY HOUSE for dinner – but that he would have to check with me first.

I stood there, blinking with a handful of tissue as I was just getting over a cold, wondering if I had just heard him correctly.

I told him I was just not up to entertaining – plus my house was a mess – but how could I say NO as he had already told his Mom the idea?

He said it was no big deal…that he would tell his Mom that we would come up Saturday to her house.

I told him that she would probably be insulted and feel like she was not welcome in my house. It would be different if we could tell her we had other plans but obviously that would be a lie as we are going to her house instead.

Issue

I felt like I was put in an awkward situation where I had to say yes. I couldn’t risk offending his Mom as she could be a part of my life for a long time to come.

We got into an argument because he said it was no big deal to tell his Mom no and I told him it was a big deal – if I was in his Mom’s shoes, I would be offended as we have gone to his Mom’s house many times and she had never been to my house.

Then Andrew announces, “Then it must be A GIRL THING! Would it have been better if I just told them to come over and didn’t check with you?”

You can imagine my response. I realized we were wasting our time trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong so I told him that we had to figure out what we are going to do.

Issue Resolved

It was not worth possibly offending his Mom so we decided to have them over for dinner. We would get a frozen lasagna and garlic bread – and I would clean like a crazy woman.

Side note: They came over that Saturday evening and we had a great time. Andrew does have a great family and I am thankful for that – but that was not the issue.

Conclusion

The following morning, Andrew and I got into a repeat discussion about how the situation even came about. I tried again to explain that his Mom would know that I had said no as Andrew was all for them coming to my house – and that put me in an awkward situation.

I asked him not to volunteer me for things regarding his family unless he ASKS ME FIRST – or we would be having this discussion again.

We finally agreed to disagree. Andrew is convinced that it must be a girl/guy difference as he still doesn’t understand my point. He believes I could have said no and no one would have been offended.

This made me turn to my female friends and co-workers. I told them the situation and they all agreed with me…that his Mom would have been offended had I said no – but maybe I influenced them as I was the one asking the question.

Difference between men and women?

This makes me wonder…Would it have been different if we were inviting his Dad over? Is it a guy/girl difference? Does it take more to offend a male? I would love to hear readers comments as the jury is still out on this issue for me…What would you have done if you were in this situation?

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This Is The Stuff Relationships Are Made Of

Michele — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 21:36:59 +0000

With an article title like that, I bet you are wondering what lovey-dovey thing is going on now! Well…picture a daisy field and we are running towards each other and when we meet – instead of kissing I am giving him a good swift kick to the ass!

He knew the rules when he signed up for this relationship and he broke them!

To give you a better understanding, maybe I should start from the beginning…

My boyfriend, Andrew, and I met through internet dating. I specifically said I did not want to date a smoker.

I tried to date smokers a few times in the past but the taste of a dirty ashtray when I kissed them really turned me off. When you are kissing someone passionately, no matter how great their hygiene is, you sometimes suddenly get a taste of cigarette that has come out of the pores in their gums or somewhere.

Not knowing when a kiss was going to go sour, I found I was avoiding the whole kissing scenario with guys that smoked. Needless to say, it played a big role in why I ended the relationships.

So about 8 months into my current relationship, I thought I would smell and taste cigarette on Andrew. But how could this be? He told me he doesn’t smoke? It was something he stopped doing many years ago.

I asked him about it and he was shocked I even noticed it as he had smoked a few cigarettes on Thursday and it was Saturday. He confessed he smokes one pack a summer and that is it. I was wary but I believed him as this was the first time in 8 months I had even noticed smoke on him.

Well, he has not stopped and the frustration roller coaster has continued over the last 6 months.

The pattern is this: He will stop smoking for a few weeks (my hopes go up) and then he falls off the wagon (my hopes get crushed).

I keep thinking, “This is not what I signed up for! He knew how I felt about smoking from the very beginning! He’s broken the rules!”

Last night, my hopes were crushed again. He had not smoked for a month and then he had a cigarette a few days ago.

I ranted and raved and then threatened to leave him. That’s what I do – my M.O. if you will. I try to fix the problem and after a certain amount of time when I feel like nothing is changing, I leave.

As soon as the words about leaving him were out of my mouth, I knew that was not what I wanted so I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

To make a long story short, we talked our way through the problem. He said he smokes when he is stressed. I asked what was stressing him as I wanted to understand what he was going through. We came up with a plan for him to deal with stress and to quit smoking as well.

Hopefully it will work. If not, we will just have to work on another plan together.

I apologized for threatening to leave. I told him I had no intentions of leaving and that it was incredibly unfair of me to throw that at him. That is my issue and something for me to work on.

I curled up on my couch after the phone call ended and realized that this is the stuff relationships are made of. Sometimes the rules get broken and feelings are hurt. Old habits kick in as raw emotion blinds us. I think it is how we treat each other when things aren’t going our way that can really make or break a connection between 2 people. I know I didn’t come out of this issue smelling like a rose but I am going to own my part of it and focus on making improvements. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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SLOW DOWN

Michele — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 21:16:20 +0000

My day started like any other. Run here do this…run there do that…oh wait, don’t forget to do that…better write that down on my daily list or else I will forget…run run run! I am constantly in a rush to get everyday normal stuff done. It dawned on me today – why am I stressing myself out to squeeze every last second of time to get crap done? When was the last time I slowed down and stayed present in the moment…I couldn’t recall a time.

I remember a couple of years ago, I running around my house in my usual way because I was having a dinner party the following night…and of course, everything had to be perfect.

I was running circles around my boyfriend at the time until he grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Breathe Michele!” I stood still for a second, looked him in the eye and replied, “I am breathing now get out of my way because I have stuff to do!” Then I continued on – moving around like I was on fire.

I really have no excuse for my inability to slow down. I don’t have kids that I have to get to appointments or school. I belong to only one charity organization that requires only a few hours of my time each week. The rest of the time is play time – and yet I am still running around like I have no time to spare.

Friday was no different. I took a vacation day off so I could do some Christmas shopping before the malls get really crazy. I started my morning off rushing around.

Then I realized this is a vacation day! What the hell am I doing! I should be slowing down and enjoying the fact that I have a day to do what I need to do. Trust me, when you wake up in the morning doing 90 miles an hour, you don’t feel much joy.

So I gave my head a shake and slowed down. I took my time drinking my morning coffee and reading the grocery store flyers that were in my mail box. It felt good.

I did the rest of the day at that pace. It felt weird yet by the end of the day, I was in a good mood and had energy to spare – which isn’t always the case on my self imposed crazy days.

So I have made a decision to try to stay present – in the moment. To slow down and not feel like I have to get everything done NOW! Not everything can wait but some things definitely can. I have a lot of things in my life that I am thankful for so it is time for me to slow down and enjoy them. I suggest you try and do the same – if only for one day and see how it changes you.

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Do you know a War Veteran?

Michele — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 21:08:36 +0000

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. As a child, I knew this was when the red poppy’s were worn and we did some sort of art work at school in reference to the war. My family didn’t know any war veterans so as a child, it was hard to understand what all the fuss was about.

It wasn’t until I accidentally heard a news broadcast one Remembrance Day explaining that we have our freedom because of those men and women that served in the wars. The reporter delved in to what life might be like if we had lost to the German army.

At my young age, finally someone had connected the dots for me. Being so young, I didn’t really understand what war meant. Sure there are guns and the two sides shoot at each other hoping to win but I had limited understanding of what the consequences of losing meant.

Since then, I have put the Nov 11th moments of silence to good use. I don’t just sit there looking at lint on the floor.

I think of the atrocities people in service must have experienced and if they lived, probably still haunt them. I pray for them and give thanks to the freedoms I have and take for granted most times.

If you want to have a better understanding of what people in service went through, watch the “Band of Brothers” DVD set. It is a 12 hour miniseries that follows the real happenings of Easy Company in World War II. This company was there at the very beginning until the very end of the war.

“Band of Brothers” is a real eye opener. The miniseries shows interview footage of the survivors of Easy Company. If you had little appreciation for war veterans before watching these DVD’s, you will after.

I personally don’t know any War Veterans but if any are reading, I want to thank you for your bravery and service. It has not gone unnoticed.

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Welcome To The Family

Michele — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:22:16 +0000

What importance does family approval of your partner play in your relationship? If your parents and/or siblings are active members in your life, they could add a lot of stress to your relationship if they don’t like your partner.

I just came back from a 10 day family vacation where my boyfriend of one year met my parents, sister and my sister’s husband for the first time.

My family, including my boyfriend, had booked this cruise 8 months ago. My boyfriend was a bit nervous as he said, “We have only been dating 5 months and the cruise is 8 months away…time wise that is farther away than we have been dating. What if we break up before then?”

I smirked and giggled as I said, “Then just pretend to be happy until October and after the cruise we can break up!”

My brother-in-laws sister and husband joined us on the cruise as well. To make a long story short, my sister and her in-laws don’t get along very well. It causes a lot of stress in their marriage.

What is it about our own family that makes us blind to their short comings?

I know my family is not perfect but we are honest with each other about what we are thinking – actually we are pretty blunt with each other but that is our way of communicating.

Example: On the trip, my father made a racist comment. My jaw dropped. Then he made the comment again. I told him that was enough…that it was wrong and ignorant. He realized what he said was not funny and never said it again.

My boyfriend’s family…well I hazard to say they don’t communicate.

They assume each other understands what they are thinking. They leave subtle hints and think it should be understood.

I shake my head sometimes but they have survived this long so I just observe quietly as it is not my place to say anything.

And then there is my brother-in-laws family. My brother-in-laws sister caused a lot of unneeded drama and stress on our vacation – even though she is over the age of 40.

When it was happening, my brother-in-law was embarrassed and angry by his sister’s actions and yet the following day, he had basically forgotten what she had done and acted like it was no big deal. He then proceeded to be angry at my sister (his wife) for being upset about the unneeded drama which was never dealt with and or resolved.

This unneeded drama created by his family is nothing new but my brother-in-law is almost blind to it. He never confronts his family about it. Maybe it is just easier for him to ignore it – but by ignoring it, it causes arguments with my sister (his wife) as she won’t take the disrespect sitting down.

When my boyfriend and I started dating, we both agreed that any problems I had with his family, he would handle and vice versa. So far it has worked out well.

There have been a few small issues with his family and he handled it. On our vacation, there were a few times my boyfriend needed some space as he was meeting everyone for the first time – so I made sure he/we got some space. He respects my feelings and respect his.

We both feel lucky as I get along with his family really well and my family really likes my boyfriend. We both have witnessed first hand how outside family influences can cause stress to a relationship and are thankful that so far it is not affecting our relationship negatively.

Do you have family related stresses in your relationship? If so, how do you resolve them? Please feel free to share your comments as someone reading might benefit.

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Happy Halloween 2007

Rob — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:36:19 +0000

It’s Halloween night again here in North America. Naturally this holiday brings up thoughts of costumes and candy, but what about the environmental impact? The writers of this blog have been hard at work providing environmentally friendly tips, Halloween pumpkin recipes, Naughty costumes and a way to remove any fears that originated with your first scary experience many years ago.

Scott Bird, from Australia is passionate about the environment and posts something environmental related each Sunday. His Halloween contribution is about 10 Environmentally Friendly Halloween Tips. Scott also writes about food and cooking and his newest project is on worm farms. He’s hard at work, writing a book about building a worm farm from start to finish. Expect that soon

With all the Halloween pumpkins available for carving, Darlene and I thought, “why not come up with some recipes and cook them?”. So we did just that.

Halloween Recipes

This is Darlene’s Pumpkin Apple Curry

Darlene and I release a new whole food recipe each Saturday and we’ve still got two more recipes yet to post, one of which we made just this morning, a pumpkin pancake recipe and the other a pumpkin and butternut squash soup. The soup is yummy.

I first asked Michele if it was possibly pets that she was passionate about, but she told me in no uncertain terms that it was in fact relationships.

Michele has been contributing some great articles on the subject including a Naughty Halloween Costume article to spice up your bedroom. Great any time of the year.

My buddy Scott Tousignant, author of The Fit Bastard and The Fit Chic e-books contributed a Halloween Workout video that makes use of the Halloween decorations you might have around your house. Proof that you can make use of anything handy to get in a workout.

Halloween Fear

Yes, it’s real. I remember as a kid seeing some pretty scary shit out there on the streets and at such a young age, can wreak havoc on our little, impressionable brains.

What if scary experiences from our childhood Halloween nights have now caused us fear of other things? And more importantly, how can we get rid of the fear?

Dawn Murray is a friend of mine who I turned to for help with my own emotional shit. Dawn is a Emotional Freedom Technique practitioner and does work by phone or in person. She recently contributed her Fear of Halloween Night article.

Emotional Freedom Technique is a major contributing factor in weight gain and weight retention as far as I’m concerned. That fear and negative emotion is also toxic and can be stored as acidic waste in our bodies. Any sort of work you can do to remove these fears will take your body to a new level of health and peace. I highly suggest you have a look at it. Talk to Dawn for more information.

Please be safe this Halloween everyone. Kids may have a hard time seeing you in your car through their Halloween masks. Their attention is elsewhere, so please be extra careful when driving. If you don’t have to drive tonight, don’t.

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Advice For Finding Your Soul Mate

Michele — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 21:20:05 +0000

Aren’t we all searching for our soul mate? It would explain why so many internet dating sites exist! But do we really understand what the term “soul mate” means? Do we really know what we are asking for? Do we understand why we even need/want to have a soul mate?

Those questions were running through my mind as I leafed through Kathy Freston’s book The One: Finding Soul Mate Love And Making It Last at my local book store.

I believe this book will help those who are looking as well as those who are already in a partnership. It will deepen, awaken, and strengthen the love you already have.

What is a Soul Mate?

Life here on earth is just an exchange of energies. You have many soul mates and they come in many forms – even though everyone focus’s seems to be on romantic soul mates. Sometimes connecting with a soul mate is not mystical, it is dark and challenging…but it is always intense.

You can’t look for it – it is just something that happens…and it is up to you if you embrace it.

Whether you realize it or not, you are always drawing to you what you need most in your life. Soul mates come and go. You learn what you need to learn from each other and then move on.

There can also be dark soul mates but even those soul mates give us potential to grow. We get the lessons we are meant to get and once we do, we move on.

With a soul mate, all of your issues come up. Be aware, look at the stuff and try to process it (this is when the healing happens). Don’t push the issues away. Look at it. You can’t heal it until the issue becomes conscious.

Why haven’t I found my soul mate?

If you are not with a partner, that pain is there for a reason. You need to work on what is painful. Maybe it is insecurity – explore why you feel like that way. Find where the wounds came from. Healing them will help remove that insecurity.

If we don’t work on ourselves, we won’t recognize the opportunity in front of us because we are closed down. As we allow ourselves to deepen, our connections deepen. You must be open to all your encounters with people.

How to draw your soul mate closer

Stop projecting on what we think love is supposed to be because we will miss what is right in front of us. So many people have this endless search and are focusing on the future instead of being in the moment.

Make your life fantastic now – love is a skill you need to practice every day. You can practice with anyone. Step up to the plate and be the best person you can be. If you want a deep connection (soulful love) you must be a deep person (soulful person).

Water seeks its own level

Example: If you are in an abusive relationship, on some level you agree you are like the abuser – that you are not a good person. It is about you putting yourself at their level. Until you realize your agreement or your part in the dance, you won’t change the situation.

As you become a more interesting soulful person, you will draw that person to you. If you want soulful love you must deepen your spirit.

How to recognize a Soul Mate

What happens when you find the one? You feel an irresistible connection that you can’t turn away from – a physical, intellectual, and/or emotional chemistry.

A soul mate is someone that facilitates our spiritual growth. You know they are a soul mate because you are really drawn to them. They draw you into your higher learning. The romantic path is only one path of many.

One warning I want to give is that we should not make our relationships our god. We think it should serve us and heal all of our wounds…that it is our everything. A relationship is an avenue for us to explore ourselves so we can grow.

No partner is absolutely perfect and will answer all of your needs and desires. Relax your perceptions and look inside of people. Everyone has wounds to heal so your partner will have wounds to heal as well.

If your relationship gone stale, I’d bet you have stopped working on yourself. Start working on yourself and when you do, you will bring interesting things to the table. Where are you not exploring yourself? A relationship will rise to where you are or it will fall away.

Childhood Wounds

Our childhood wounds go with us until we get to a place where we can deal with it. We pick someone that triggers that old wound…that gives us an opportunity to heal it. Look back in your life and see where it came from.

Relationships are tough; they bring out the best and the worse so you can work on the worse to become your best. We draw people that will push our buttons. Those buttons need to be pushed so we can learn and grow.

Why do nice girls become attracted to bad boys?

Isn’t that the age old question? Why? Why? Why? Well, let me tell you, bad boys push nice girls buttons (keep your minds out of the gutter!) and draw out things that need to be looked at and healed.

So turn toward the thing that troubles or scares you. Listen to the part inside of you that is hurting. Soul mates are there to help you see yourself. Trust me, you will know if he or she is the one. You won’t need someone to tell you. You will just know. If you are still in doubt, then read the book, Finding Soul Mate Love…I am sure it will put your fears to rest.

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Top 5 Tips For Internet Dating

Michele — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:07:57 +0000

I had been internet dating for so long and had so many awkward and embarrassing stories, my friends kept telling me I should write a book. Of course, it would be a comedy! Through all of my experiences, I have learned what works and what does not. This is how I have come to collect the top 5 tips to internet dating.

Through all of my experiences (and yes, I promise to write about them later), I have learned a lot of things. Maybe you can learn from my…ummm…cough cough…mistakes.

Top 5 Tips For Internet Dating

1. MSN/Phone Chemistry rarely equals Physical Chemistry
The sooner you meet, the better. I have made this mistake more than once as some times distance can delay meeting someone right away.

I have spent hours and hours on the phone and MSN getting to know them…laughing and flirting…sharing stories and having a good time talking with them…only to meet for coffee finally and scalding my tongue because I could not drink my coffee fast enough to get out of there!

The first few times it happened, I was so surprised…as we got a long famously over the phone and I had seen pictures! How could there be no physical attraction?

Maybe it is pheromones or lack of pheromones…maybe it was body language I was picking up on that obviously I couldn’t over the phone…or maybe it was the fact that the picture they sent was from 10 years ago…who knows?

2. Be Honest
Don’t waste people’s time. If you have kids, say so. If you smoke, a non-smoker will smell it on you sooner or later. If you are 5’8”, don’t say you are 5’11”. If you are obese, don’t say your body type is average. If you are 48, don’t say you are 38.

My Dad always tells me that there is a lid for every pot. My boyfriend and I have an agreement that I get to be the lid because being the pot does not sound very sexy.

Be honest because the truth always comes out. To the right person, you are awesome. And to the wrong person…well, why would you want to be with the wrong person?

3. Listen to your Instincts
Trust your gut. If you think someone is being a player (because players are everywhere on internet dating sites), listen to your instincts. If you are not sure, take things slow.

I remember meeting this one guy named Bob. We met and there was total chemistry between us but my instincts said something was up (and not in a good way you dirty minded people!).

So I made sure things moved very slowing between us but that feeling just never went away even though I could not put my finger on what was causing me to feel that way.

I stopped seeing him after a few weeks as I knew better than to abandon my instincts. I found out later (a long story) that he was trying to play me and was dating a couple of other girls while he was telling me I was the only one.

4. Meet in a Public Place
Remember, these people are strangers. And even worse, strangers with bad intentions. Ted Bundy was described as very charming (I read a book about him). Most people that where acquaintances with him were shocked to find out he was a serial killer.

So be safe. Anyone that tries to meet in an unsafe place is not worth meeting.

5. Dont Use A Webcam
Don’t buy one and if you have one, do not tell your internet chat partner you have one. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a penis on the other end of a webcam, I would be a rich woman!

Luckily, through all of my good/bad/and funny dating experiences, I have met a wonderful man off of the internet and we have been dating for over a year…so yes, it is possible to find love over the keyboard.

I have met a lot of great guys through my internet dating experiences. I have also met a lot of not so great guys on dating sites. Of course, there will always be players and liars out there of both sexes so keep your wits about you. If you choose to use the internet dating sites to find companionship/love, be safe and have fun.

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My Son Sees Dead People

Kandace — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 11:02:53 +0000

My son always made fun of the movie “Sixth Sense”. He would look at me and say “Mommy I see dead people”, then break out in his little giggle. I always thought that was funny, seeing as how I CAN see and hear others who have passed, but I would just laugh with him and say ” I see them too. But you better stop saying that!”

Well low and behold the Law of Attraction is at work. For about 2 years now I have noticed my son being more interested in what I do and telling me about weird experiences he was having. I knew what was going on but waited for him to come to terms and be more comfortable with his new found ability, and that happened this week. I was so happy and proud! Well, I am a mom first ya know!

It all started with a phone call a couple of days ago. He and I have our normal evening talks on the phone since he lives in Jacksonville, Fl. with his Dad. We talk almost every night and he tells me about his day, nothing riveting usually. But the other night, he began to tell me about a patch of fog he had seen that morning. He was on his way to school, and from out of nowhere there was this fog. He said it wasn’t large but as soon as it was there, it was gone again. He had a funny feeling about it, so he asked me to see what I felt. I told him I saw many people but 2 stood out, one was a gentleman in a Civil War out fit and the other was a lady with red hair and a red dress, looked like she was from the WWII days. We talked about it for a little while then got onto other subjects. These kinds of things are common place for us to talk about, the kids have grown up around strange happenings and things. All was well, or so I thought!

“Someone Keeps Calling My Name”

Not 2 minutes later, he called back. He was a little nervous and said “Mommy, I keep hearing someone call my name. I look and no one is there but I know someone is here.” I took a minute and could see it was a kid about the same age as my son. I started to ask this kid what he wanted with my son, while Colby was listening to this conversation. He wanted to skateboard with him, but the more I connected with this kid, the more negativity I felt. Colby felt it too.

Finally I said, “If you are not from the White light you have to leave. You cannot stay.” I immediately felt something release, he had left but was angry. To clear things out I always call upon the Angels and Saints to come down and clear any negativity to send it back to where it came from. Then an Our Father, since I am raised Catholic.

My son and I were at beginning of our prayer when the phone call was disconnected. I tried to call him back twice but couldn’t get through. This is nothing unusual for me when I am doing a clearing, but Colby was upset. I finally got back in touch with him and he instinctively knew what had happened. It freaked him out a little bit he said, but I told him that was normal.

Finding A Skateboarding Angel

After I was sure things were okay, I asked Colby if he would like someone from the White light to help him skateboard better. He said Yes. I was so happy, he was being so open to this experience, it made me see how much potential he has if he chooses to take this further.

Colby remembered a boy named Stewy. Stewy died skateboarding because there was no safe place to do it he was hit by a car. We know this because Colby and I have been to the skateboard park Stewy’s mom built in his remembrance.

When Colby said Stewy’s name he came right to the forefront and was excited that Colby had asked for him. Then my son asked me to teach him how to communicate with Stewy. I told him how it starts, so he is working on that.

I am so proud!

Well the best part is next.

The very next day Colby called me so excited! He had been trying to accomplish a trick for a while and was not too successful at it, but on that day…… He did it 11 times in a row! Stewy said it was all in his timing. How cool is that?

Colby is opening up and learning to communicate with those who have passed and I am happy to see that he is not withholding part of who he truly is anymore. He has given me updates on his conversations and I am coaching him through it. AMAZING!!

So, when he was little all those times he said “I see Dead People” he was telling the Universe that’s what he wanted, and well, you know the Universe! It responds to what you focus on. I hope everyone takes the time to talk to loved ones that have passed. Take the time to feel them, not see them. You will feel their love in return. But if you have any trouble with that, just give me a call. Have a great and wonderful week! Blessings!

Kandace
Clarity with Kandace
Learn more about me and Life Coaching

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The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part Four

Michele — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 21:18:30 +0000

Have you ever noticed that we are not schooled on how to have a successful marriage or how to be a good partner? On what qualities, we ourselves, must possess to be a good companion? What qualities our chosen mate should possess?

We fumble around from relationship to relationship… trying to find out what works for us and hopefully self-reflect to see what area’s we need to grow in.

Among the top of my arsenal of relationship books sits Project Everlasting
(see The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part One, Part Two and Part Three for details on the previous marriage secrets and an over of the book written by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller).

There is so much useful information in this book that I could not discuss it with one article and do it justice. I am using this fourth and final article about the book to pull the most important keys of a successful marriage together.

Respect

Respect is the main ingredient to any successful marriage. Now if that is not a surprise to you then what respect looks might require your attention.

Do not criticize your partner in front of others. You are not their parent so don’t act like it. If your partner does something that embarrasses you, talk to them about it in private.

Do not use others opinions to try to win battles with your significant other. Use your OWN intellect to get your partner to see your side of the issue and possibly persuade them to change their minds.

Respect your partner for who they are. Don’t try to change them or mold them into what you want. Their individuality might just be the thing that gives the two of you something interesting to talk about.

Communication

If your partner does something you don’t like, TELL THEM! Do not bottle it up inside and let it fester. How can your partner improve upon things if they don’t even know about it?

Own your side of the problem (put down your ego), you don’t always have to be right or have to wait for the other person to submit first – take the first step yourself.

Commitment

Marriage is commitment. I think it is summed up best by this quote from the book.

Let there be no confusion: Behind every successful, lifelong marriage is a massive amount of hard work and difficult moments, when each spouse wanted out but instead reconfirmed a resolution to stick to it, for better or worse.

This isn’t to say that the Marriage Masters simply swept their garbage under the rug and lived forty-plus years in quiet misery. On the contrary, their definition of commitment meant getting through the trouble spots to rediscover what had made them happy together in the first place. It meant apologies. It meant forgiveness. It meant humility. It meant dedication and rededication a hundred times over.

I cannot say enough great things about this book. It has fantastic usable information as well as real life marriage stories.

I leave you with this last quote from this very informative book. If your marriage is in trouble, I suggest you give Project Everlasting a read. At the very least, I believe it will inspire you.

They were brave enough and determined enough to work through those failures and, for the most part, fix them. The true beauty of lifelong marriage isn’t expressed in the measure of gushy-gushy affection these senior citizens were able to emit for us on the couch, but rather in the history of their courage. As they showed time and time again, lifelong love is not for the faint of heart.

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Naughty Halloween Costumes

Michele — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 09:03:48 +0000

When is the last time you tried something new in your relationship? And to be even more specific, when is the last time you tried something new in the bedroom?

A naughty Halloween costume might be the excitement you need for this time of year. You can have a bunch of fun leading up to Halloween and even possibly wear it to an upcoming Halloween party.

To get full use out of your Halloween costume, why not use it for a little role playing? It is a lot easier than you might think…Yes, I am talking to you! Here are some ideas to get you started…

Sexy Pirate

Enough to to turn on your man so that you can play with his sword

Slutty Nurse

Everyone should have a full physical once a year…and the sooner the better!

French Maid

So many dirty dirty places to clean…especially the night table…open the drawer and pull out some interesting items.

Bar Maid

Spilling drinks and having customers remove their wet clothing is a common occurrence in some places.

Did you think I was going to forget the men? Not a chance!

Savage Pirate

Attempt to kidnap her from her bedroom…but before that can happen, there might be some tying up to do…

Corrupt Police Officer

A full body search will be in order before you can remove the suspect from the premises.

Be prepared

Have an idea of the things you are going to say in your role and things you are going to make them do. Trick them into the bedroom by telling them you need help with something.

Except your partner to be surprised…and even a little resistant if you as a couple have never done this before. Be prepared to take control of the situation and stay focused on staying in role. Tell them to lie down on the bed while you dust the room, check their temperature, put fake handcuffs on them, etc.

Now realize you may laugh or fumble around with what to say. That is ok and is all part of the fun! But never slip back into being you…until…well…you’ll know when…

Expect the Unexpected

Sometimes things do not always go as planned…and if that is the case, just roll with it.

Last December, I had instructed my boyfriend that when he arrived, I would be upstairs in the spare bedroom wrapping gifts…and that I wouldn’t be able to answer the door…that he should just throw his bag in the bedroom when he arrived.

I had it all planned and I was waiting on the bed as he opened the bedroom door…what I had not planned on was his Jack Russell dog entering the room first…going air borne and landing on my stomach…winding me!

Needless to say, I recovered quickly and the dog was thrown out of the room. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

So throw a little spice into your relationship…try something new…step outside of your comfort zone. Expect to feel a little uncomfortable the first time you role play…And no one will look at you twice for shopping for a role playing outfit this naughty Halloween! Maaaa Waaaa Ha Ha!

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The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part Three

Michele — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 21:15:14 +0000

After reading the book Project Everlasting, I actually felt quite hopeful that successful marriages do and can exist. I realized that a blemished marriage can become that same great marriage it once was. (see The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part One and Part Two for details on the previous marriage secrets and an over of the book written by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller).

All of the Marriage Masters (the name given by the authors to the couples they interviewed) didn’t just luck out and sail through their relationships.

They recognized and could articulate why their marriages were successful. And really, how can you go wrong listening to the advice from couples who are talking the talk AND walking the walk?

Similar Values

A piece of advice from the book is to look for a partner with similar values on family, money and religious/spiritual beliefs as this can make for a smoother relationship.

I am sure you have heard the saying ‘Opposites Attract’. What I hope these couples realize is that there will be a lot compromise in their future.

In the beginning of their relationship, it might not be as obvious. When it comes to things like what type of house to buy, what neighborhood to live in, what vacation plans to make, etc, they may be on opposite ends of the spectrum. Can a compromise be found? Yes but hopefully they walked into the relationship with open eyes.

Give

And when you are done giving…give a little more! Relationships should not be 50/50 – they should be 100/100. Stop thinking, “Well I did my share so now my partner better pick up the slack because I am done.”

In some parts of the relationship, you will have to give more and in other parts you partner will give more. It is never really an equal 50/50 so stop measuring!

Sex and Friendship

Real intimacy stems from romantic friendship. Having fun with your partner leads to a closeness, a connection with your partner which fuels your sex life. Sex does play a role in a relationship but by itself, it cannot build a lasting romantic friendship.

When gravity does its thing and beauty fades, friendship will make all the difference. Someone you can laugh with, talk for hours with, show your true colors to…Someone whose opinion you respect, that you would trust with your life.

I am finding my level of friendship with my boyfriend is playing a huge role in my satisfaction in this relationship…especially when compared to others I have dated. I can tell him ANYTHING! Even the crazy thoughts that go through my head. He never judges me or makes me feel stupid for thinking something.

We can have serious discussions and be silly 10 seconds later. I have to admit…I can’t get enough of him – in and out of the bedroom – even after a year of dating! Now, I can imagine some readers are saying, “Only a year? Try 10 years and be able to say the same thing!”

But for those who know me, I am usually dumping guys by now. They are lucky if they make it passed 3 months. I used to have a co-worker that sang the Hall & Oats song “Man Eater” every time I walked by. I would have dumped him but technically you can’t dump a co-worker that you are not dating. Ha ha

For me to be happy in a relationship at the one year mark is pretty much unheard of. I really credit a chunk of that happiness to the fact that I can tell him anything and he understands. I believe he feels the same way about me.

It has created a closeness between us that I don’t want to give up. It’s addictive really.

Never lose yourself in a relationship

Please don’t forget the importance of individuality in a relationship. Never get into a relationship where the other person tries to take away who you are. It is each partner’s individuality that will keep the relationship interesting.

Love is a Feeling AND a Choice

I found this key a bit surprising. Love is not purely a feeling, it is a choice.

I think many of us have watched too many soap operas and used the scripted drama as a basis of what real love looks like. We want that constant love high. That initial love high is not the only form that love takes. The following excerpt from the book describes it best.

“David and Sheila Epstein pulled out a book, The Art of Engagement, and showed me the stages of love, the first two of which I knew well: illusion (my favorite), and then disillusionment, when I started noticing my mate’s flaws, fretted about her dwindling adoration of me, and became more of a ‘me-some’ than a ‘we-some’.

Much to my surprise, the Epsteins indicated that virtually all loving couples go through these stages. But the third takes more effort: decision. That’s when you realize love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice, a decision to act loving, no matter what. Love is a decision to give to your partner, putting his/her needs first.

The secret they taught me is to be loving even when I don’t feel loving. Emotions follow behavior.”

So, overall, it helps if you and your partner have similar values but if you don’t, the marriage can still be successful…you both will just have to work harder at it. Also be giving to your partner…do things for them and you will be surprised how suddenly they are inspired to do something nice for you. On your drive to work everyday, think of one kind thing to do for them and see how it changes your relationship. And don’t forget to be a good friend to your partner and the sex might just naturally fall into place.

Two Sunday’s from now, I will put all of the keys together and draw a clear picture on how to have a successful marriage and or relationship. Next Sunday, I will be discussing how to bring the naughtiness back into Halloween! Can’t wait? Neither can I!

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The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part Two

Michele — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 16:07:25 +0000

In my quest for building and keeping my current relationship healthy and strong, I have been reading a book called Project Everlasting (see The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part One for a more thorough explanation of the book and my initial discussion of some of the important keys to a great marriage). From this book, I am learning a lot about where I might have gone astray in previous relationships. Is it possible I have been wrong in my definition of what love and marriage should be and look like? Naaaaw! Well, ok, maybe a little.

I think I wanted to hear that if the right two people meet – it just all falls into place. And if it does not all fall into place, then it is the wrong partnership. After reading this book, Project Everlasting written by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller, I realized this is not necessarily true.

Communication is the key

Healthy marriages ebb and flow, just like life.

There are times when one or both partners won’t nurture their relationship and they will drift apart. They will get caught up in their careers or the kids or the dozens of things going on in their lives. One or both partners will possibly stop sharing their thoughts on things that bother or hurt/offend them.

When this happens, the couple will no longer feel connected. They end up communicating less and less.

The difference between the marriages that lead to divorce and the ones that remain intact and happy is that the successful ones realize they are in a rut and pull up their socks. They do the work to reconnect and have heartfelt communication.

Communication? You are probably thinking, “I speak to my partner quite a bit through out the day. We communicate!” Well, telling your partner that it’s laundry time because you have no clean socks left is not really the type of communication I am talking about.

What you need to focus on with this essential key is what kind of communication do you have with your partner? Do you tell your partner what is really going on with you? Things that you agree/disagree with? Or are you passive aggressive?

If you’ve a bad day, do you sit in the corner watching TV…mulling over the upsetting days events? Or do you tell your partner that you had a bad day and then explain to them what happened?

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a married male co-worker. He said when he and his wife were first married and living together, she would get very upset with him and he never really understood why.

After many arguments, my co-worker had a light bulb moment. He realized that she just wanted to know what was going on with him – what he was thinking. It didn’t have to be a profound revelation either. She just didn’t want to be left in the dark and guessing at what was going on. Once he started telling her more things suddenly her level of frustration improved.

Improve YOUR Communication Not Theirs

To be clear, improving your communication skills doesn’t mean making a list of what your partner can do to be a better communicator. It means you need to figure out what to change and then you make the effort to change.

Focus on the positives…not the negatives

Another theme I noticed about the couple’s stories was what qualities they focused on within their partners. Ask yourself, do you focus on the positive or negative aspects of your partner? Are you judgmental? Do you obsess about all of their short comings and how if they would only change?

Be more accepting

To maintain a healthy relationship, accept your partner’s quirks or annoying habits. From what I read, all relationships have them. YOU do as well!

Work together for the best solution

And in case you were unaware, couples fight and have disagreements. There are no two ways around it. But the disagreement should never be about winning (or being right), it should be about coming up with the best solution. Know when to pick your battles and when to let go.

Quality versus Quantity

There is also no specific amount of dating time before marriage that will guarantee success. Some couples were engaged after their first date and some couples analyzed their relationships for years before becoming engaged and then married. Both scenarios have equal chance of success and failure.

I personally know of a couple that was engaged after 2 months of dating and married 7 months later. Two kids and 11 years later, they are still happily married. I work with both of them and observe them on a daily basis.

So pick your battles and focus on the positive traits of your partner. At the very least speak (better done in private to be respectful to your partner if it was something they did) when something happens that you disagree with. Don’t become passive aggressive. As well, don’t expect your partner to be perfect because I can guarantee you are not!

Next Sunday, I will be posting the third and final article in regards to the last pieces of great advice given from the Marriage Masters (what the authors call the couples they interviewed). Don’t miss it as all of the keys must be used together if you want to have a happy and successful marriage. Until then…

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The Secrets of Successful Marriages – Part One

Michele — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 16:34:06 +0000

Have you ever observed an old couple holding hands? Watched them waltz with their feet never being more than an inch apart? Have you ever wondered if you will have a similar fate with the divorce rate being so high? I have always wondered what the secret is to a successful marriage.

Well, I believe that last question led me to read Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of Americas Greatest Marriages written by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller.

The authors traveled across North America interviewing over 200 Marriage Masters (what the authors affectionately call the couples they interviewed) that have been married over 40 years in their quest to find out what their secret was for a lasting loving marriage. After absorbing every last word, this is what I discovered from reading this book…

RESPECT was a common theme that the Marriage Masters said played a key part in their marriage success.

You would think that would be a given but it is amazing how easily we slip into a disrespectful mode – especially when we are stressed.

These disrespectful moments accumulate until you find yourself in a pattern revolving around nothing but disrespect. You may not even realize it is happening until one day you wake up wondering why your partner is no longer your best friend.

I observed this phenomenon during dinner at an ex-boyfriend’s house. The meal had started out with polite conversation between us and his parents…his mother made a not-so-flattering comment about his father and really, before I knew what has happening, his parents started bickering.

After a few minutes, that felt like hours, my ex brought his parents under control. It didn’t take long before the pattern repeated itself a few more times before the meal ended.

Was this pattern so prevalent in their marriage that they had no idea how hurtful they were being to each other? Through out the entire evening (and many other dinners I attended at their residence) they never once spoke kindly to each other or agreed with what the other person was saying.

With the high number of marriages ending in divorce, I wonder if the problem is we don’t really know how to be respectful? Or maybe a better description is that we don’t recognize that our behaviour is disrespectful.

I know that sounds crazy but could you define what respect is right now? And now that you have defined it, would you say you ACT respectful to your partner? Even in the tough times?

To me, respect means listening to your partner and validating/supporting what they are saying/requesting. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It does mean not belittling them when disagreements happen.

When your partner makes a request of you and it is in your power to do it…then DO IT! Unless, of course, it goes against your values or moral compass.

If I tell my partner that it really stresses me out to be late for things and he is constantly making me late…that is disrespectful – his actions are saying that my need is not important.

When you are in public with your partner, are you supportive of them or do you try to prove them wrong so you can use it as ammunition in your next discussion of the topic?

I found the following excerpt from the book really gave a great explanation of what respect looks like in a marriage.

You have to be vigilant about honing this discipline (being respectful). It was like a muscle they had built up over the years and, when compared to mine (the author), it was like Schwarzenegger’s quadriceps next to a drumstick. Don’t get me wrong, the Marriage Masters treated their spouses disrespectfully at times, too. But whether it was single incident or an emerging pattern, they not only recognized what was happening, they did something about it. They allowed each other to grow and change. They listened when they’d have rather tuned out. And each stood up for the other, even at the expense of their own comfort. This newfound and deepened respect became the pattern that defined their relationship over decades to come.

So I suggest you take a closer look at your relationship/marriage. Are you respectful? Swallow your pride/ego and be honest with yourself…as that is the only way to truly make improvements.

There is so much information and great relationship advice in this book that I could not possibly discuss it all within one article so I have decided to give the different ‘secrets’ more attention by dividing them into multiple articles. So stay tuned for my next article that will discuss another very important secret to having a long lasting successful marriage.

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The Life And Death Of My Mother Eleanor Cooper Podcast

Rob — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 03:27:32 +0000

My mother Eleanor Cooper passed away Sunday morning, Sept 9 2007 of a heart attack. Mom was 80 years old, passionate about her Lord Jesus Christ and faithful to her last breath. Mom lived an adventurous life, growing up on a small farm in Western Saskatchewan Canada with 10 other brothers and sisters. She married my father in 1949 and quickly raised a family of 3 girls. I was born 14 years after my youngest sister much to the delight of my father. Mom was passionate about teaching and in the past five to ten years, I learned a great deal about the children she remembered and who they grew up to become. She was quite proud of the legacy she left.

Me and Mom July 25 2005

This is one of my favorite photos of mom and I taken in the summer of 2005. It was always hard to get her to sit quietly for a picture because she loved it so much that she was always giggling. The photos always ended up looking like she was holding back a big giggle. She loved having her picture taken and the photo guys and girls at her photo mart in Lloydminster knew her by name.

Mom began to get more frail in the past few years, and after living alone in her apartment, on the third floor, for the past 13 years, we moved her to a seniors home just a few months ago. We moved her to Leader Saskatchewan, a very small farming community in southern Saskatchewan so that she could be near my oldest sister.

As I said, mom was quite devout.

I believe that we’re a spiritual being having a physical experience, and with that belief, believe that mom is now more a part of me than ever before. I believe that we’re all energy and we’re all connected. Now that mom’s spirit has left her body, she’s with me all the time and it’s actually much easier to communicate with her.

In this weeks podcast, I discuss my mom and her life, more for me than for any other reason.

[See post to listen to audio]

I love my mom, still do. She will be with me always.

Be Well Mom

I love you

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Dealing With Anger – What Are You Really Angry About?

Michele — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 16:19:38 +0000

Have you ever witnessed someone’s emotions/actions just boil over and sat there wondering who crapped in their Cornflakes? Dealing with anger seems to be an ever growing part of our society. Why are we so frustrated? Where is this all coming from? How do we deal with it and help remove it from our own lives? These questions were running through my mind after I met some friends for dinner a few evenings ago.

As we caught up with each others lives, the conversation moved to food and being healthier. My one friend inquired about where I find a certain food product so I told her. Then suddenly her face changed and she started spewing hatred…and I don’t mean dislike, I mean hatred…you know, the kind where you want to duck because you are sure spittle is coming soon as they are so passionate about what they are saying. What was enraged topic you may be wondering?

She was talking about how much she hates some groceries stores. Her body language changed and she was clenching her fists.

Imagine my surprise! Sure there are some things about groceries stores that don’t envelope me in love but I can calmly discuss them. After a few minutes of spittle…yes, I did say a few minutes…I looked at my other friend across the table and he had the same look – quiet DISBELIEF!

So using humor to move the conversation along, I finally interrupted and said, “Well, let’s pretend you’ve already purchased the Quinoa and have it in your kitchen.” I then proceeded to keep the conversation away from groceries stores at all cost!

As I lay in bed later that night, I wondered what was she REALLY angry about? Because all of that could NOT be about grocery stores and I do know she is not happy in other areas of her life.

It is a trend I have noticed over the years. People are disproportionately angry about events or things in their lives (like grocery stores). Some times it makes sense like getting upset over someone beating a child or animal…but to pull a gun out and shoot someone because they cut you off in traffic? In my opinion, that level of anger/frustration must have come from some other area in their lives.

After much reading, analyzing and processing over the years, I have an opinion as to why people act in this way. Let me see if I can explain my thoughts in some sort of coherent manner…

Some people do not express their true feelings in the moment of feeling them. Why? Because of the fear of being invalidated or challenged – to have someone tell you that you are wrong to feel that way…being made to feel stupid. It is easier not to express emotions sometimes because then you don’t have to defend your position.

We suppress that emotion only to have it appear in some other unrelated area of our lives because unexpressed anger/frustration/emotion doesn’t usually disappear.

Have you ever been unjustly treated (example yelled at) by an employer?…taken the mistreatment silently, become internally frustrated only to find yourself yelling at traffic on your way home?

Ok, you caught me. I have done that in the past. The unexpressed anger/frustration I felt from work carried over on to the poor sap who changed lanes in front of me without signaling…so I felt justified in giving him the bird and a few choice words because hey, he didn’t signal! And nor could he confront me – lucky for me…

Do you notice times in your life when you have gone off the handle only to look back and think, “Wow, what was that about? What was I thinking?” Take note in areas of your life where you get really overly emotional and ask yourself if your response is appropriate? Are there times where you are not expressing yourself?

Do you find safe situations to over express yourself in an unchallenged arena? Do you unintentionally save your build up of anger to be spewed at someone who can’t defend themselves? Like screaming at the TV because some pro ball player struck out…or even worse, at a child who knows if they even utter a word in response is going to get their butt smacked.

I am not saying this is an absolute in every situation…what I am suggesting is for you to take a closer look at your life.

I found the answer for me when dealing with anger is to feel what you need to feel at the time it is happening. Example: Many years ago, I had a project manager yell at me because my laptop didn’t work after having it was returned from Tech Ops. I yelled right back at him telling him that I was following orders from HIS boss to have my laptop upgraded to the correct version and that he had no right to be yelling at me. He stopped and blinked at me for a few seconds. He calmed down…said a few syllables like, “Ok” and then walked away. He never yelled at me again although he did continue to yell at others. It felt good to stand up for myself (and a little scary) and show him I was not going to be treated unfairly…and guess what…I didn’t yell at traffic on the way home!

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